Happy Birthday to me! I am the happiest I have been in a really long time. It is with the benefit of hindsight that I can compare my emotional and mental state to this time last year and unequivocally state that I am back to my carefree, give no fucks, positive outlook. I didn't realise how much of myself I had lost until very recently.
The major change was ridding myself of toxic, draining energy (and people) and embracing that it is ok- in fact, it's my responsibility- to put myself first and acknowledge when my needs and core values aren't being fulfilled. And more importantly, to do something about it! Reminds me of the airplane oxygen mask instructions; you help yourself before you try to save someone else. I habitually teetered on the edge between caring and martyrdom/self-sacrifice, thinking this is the expression of love, forgetting that it should be a two way exchange. Reciprocal sacrifice, and only where it doesn't cause friction with your true self.
As a woman, there is part of my nature that instinctively is a caretaker. Particularly my upbringing in a matriarchal family, surrounded by beautiful, strong women who regularly take on the world and win; it is in my blood to take charge and show my love for those around me through acts of service. However the older I get, the more I feel the pull of the wild woman inside me. The one who yearns for adventure, variety, action, and adrenaline. My yin and yang. No obligations other than to myself.
The older I get, the less I want to hold back the wildness. I want to embrace it; push farther and farther from shore to discover who I am really am and what truly makes me tick. My quest for happiness, freedom, and self-acceptance.
My 33rd birthday wish will not be wasted. I will wish for the strength and conviction to continue on my road to self-discovery, even when it's raw and daunting, to maximise every precious moment with those I love (both in my life and yet to come), and to take more pictures. Because I am happy. I am glowing. And I am seeing the world through shining eyes again.
