I’m getting married in exactly 60 days. This still surprises, bemuses, and bewilders me. I don’t really know how this happened.
Our early romance was a whirlwind of cocktails, music, dancing, and late night smokes. Within days of our first kiss, he had pretty much moved in. A month later and I was telling my friends, “I think I’m in love.” No one was more surprised than I was at how quickly everything moved; how right it all seemed.
He proposed on a trip back to my family home in California, after a year and a half together. My friends had whispered, “Do you think you’re getting engaged?” to which I confidently replied “No way. It’s too soon. Maybe next year.” Yet there I was, standing on the beach, windswept hair, custom-designed ring on my finger, with a stone each from my great-grandmother, grandma, and mom, watching the sunset over the Pacific with my new fiancé.
Sounds magical, and it was, but reality has smacked me in the face pretty fucking hard.
The quirks of my now-fiance slowly became a cause for concern and frustration. Like an old but much beloved sweater, he was unravelling in front of me. He was stripping down to his true self. Or maybe I was only now acknowledging the darker parts of him as the echoes of “now and forever, through good times and especially through bad” were ringing through my brain.
The impulsivity that I so loved translated to over-spending on his budget. I’ve discovered that when he says “Yes” it sometimes means “I’m agreeing so you’ll shut up” or “Yeah, sure, I eventually will”. His puppy-like excitement and innocence is often the flip-side of extreme emotional and mental immaturity. We could push each other’s buttons as easily as calling for the elevator in our apartment block.
Yet I love him. The one thing that doesn’t frustrate me is how much we truly, madly, deeply love each other. Even though sometimes I want to fucking throttle him. Even though sometimes I don’t want to look at him or can't bear his touch. Even though sometimes I wonder, can I (we) really do this? Our love is a yin and yang; love and hate, passion and fury, coldness and cuddles.
I’m getting married in exactly 60 days and it is terrifying. Is our love enough to carry through the darkest nights and longest hours? Will we both continue to stubbornly fight to make this work? What if one of us wants to give up? Should I be having these thoughts and fears 60 days before I marry my best friend?
